A WTF? moment for All My Children, 11/24/08

So we now discover that Bianca and Reese, who are an amazingly cool and in love couple, don’t even know each other… At all… Yesterday, JR and Bianca had a little run-in and Bianca had to explain to a rather startled Reese about the history they shared concerning a little tumble off a two-story balcony.

Um… WTF?

Reese apparently didn’t know that JR gave Binksy a trip off a balcony in Florida and that Bess was Miranda for, lo those 9+ months? Did she live in a vacuum or not have access to the Internet or tabloids before she got beaned in the melon by a ball in a Paris park? (Seriously, she didn’t head back to her place after the beaning and Google ‘Bianca Montgomery’? Really?) I thought Erica Kane’s lesbian daughter was tabloid fodder all around the world. I mean, that’s what we were led to believe for years after Bianca’s coming out.

But, really, wouldn’t this have been a better exchange?

Reese: What was that all about?

Bianca: Oh, JR had my daughter, who I thought was his daughter, because his wife Babe, who is – or rather was– love, stole her from me for 9 months, this is Miranda I’m talking about here, but actually, she didn’t steal her, we were just lost to each other- anyway JR and I argued, after I Kane-slapped the snot out of Babe, and then JR got mad and we stepped out onto the balcony to chat and he pushed me off, or I jumped, I’m kinda unlcear on the whole thing, and I fell ever so daintily 2 floors and ended up in a coma for a while. They didn’t think I was going to make it, you know. Anyway, Mom finally convinced Adam that Bess was Miranda and brought her to me and, ta da! I woke up. I kinda remember someone whispering in my ear that they loved me, but that’s blurry, too. Did I not tell you any of this after we started dating?

Apparently not, Binks…

So… Reese apparently didn’t and/or still doesn’t know that Bianca offed the man who raped her and impregnated her, creating Miranda. Reese apparently didn’t know about Kendall willing to take the fall for Michael’s murder to hide Bianca’s pregnancy from the world (which, I believe, was because Bianca didn’t want to hurt her mother and become tabloid fodder). Does Cool Reese know that Babe, who is- or rather was– love, stole Miranda and paraded her around town for 9 months as her own daughter and let Bianca be her own child’s godmother, and then Bianca willingly FORGAVE Babe for this, saying that she and Miranda were merely “lost” to one another for the better part of a year?

We’re supposed to believe that this couple, who are living together, raising a daughter together and so in love they decided to have another child, don’t know anything about what has happened in their past? What has formed their will, determination, psyche, psychoses and outlook on life? Reese even said yesterday that she was rather surprised when Bianca got so upset at a man in Paris for shoving the woman he was with… so, Bianca never even told Reese about the woman she had been living with in Paris, who was also the “love of Bianca’s life” and who had been in an abusive relationship that Bianca had been desperate to get her out?

Bianca finally seems concerned of how her sister might react when she learns of Bianca and Zach’s betrayal in order to pop out a kid with a woman she apparently only met about 10 months ago and Reese, in her obliviousness, doesn’t make things any better.

Bianca: You don’t know my sister.

Reese: No, but I know you.

Oh, really? What’s her favorite movie, Reese? Where did she live when she moved out of her mother’s house? Did you know she had a juvenile record for driving while drunk? Did you know she was going to college when she was pregnant with Miranda? Did you know she likes cotton candy and spending the day at the park in the summer? Who was her best friend before Maggie Stone? Do you know how that best friend died? Did you know that Bianca has a history of pyromania? That she has an eating disorder? Was “committed” to another woman at one time? Almost moved to Poland to be with that woman? Stole a baby one Christmas because she was convinced the child was hers? (she was right, by the way, but that’s not the point)

Shall I go on, Reese?

Wow… So, I’ve written a little letter to Charles Pratt, Head hack- er, writer at All My Children. It’s short but rather succinct and to the point. Tell me what you think:

Dear Mr. Pratt,

Can you please explain to me how the super cool couple you created in Reese and Bianca have been living together, had a child together and want to marry know so alarmingly little about each other?

Seriously I would like to know,
Mary Beth

I mean, really… WTF?

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Great WTF? Moments in All My Children History

We start here, but, rest assured, there will be more:

The Satin Slayer – not that the serial killer storyline isn’t a great device for trimming down a bloated cast, but come on… Alex Cambias, Senior… who died… and was cremated… was actually still alive and was the lunatic murderer? Please. He plunged chemicals into the necks of unsuspecting women all over Fusion just to get back at his son, Zach Slater, who had nothing to do with Fusion save the fact that his wife, Kendall Hart, was co-owner of Fusion and was married to Zach instead of to Alex’s Man-Crush, Ryan Lavery? Really? And they had to kill one of the most beloved characters in daytime television history in Dixie Cooney-Martin to accomplish this lame-o storyline? Not only that, they killed her with pancakes? Pancakes?! Peanut butter-banana pancakes?!?!?

Um, WTF?

The Idiots in Char- er, the production and writing staff at AMC decided this would be a great idea for a retched storyline. Kill off an idolized and much beloved character to give the sinking (stinking?) plot a lift. Well, it gave it a lift, alright, sending loyal viewers into a frenzy and causing them to bolt the show in droves. Tad and Dixie fans were outraged, long-time viewers furious. And recently, Producer Julie Hanan-Carruthers admitted she made a mistake when ex-headwriter Megan McTavish came to her with this moronic idea and she let her actually write it!

So, death by pancake it shall be.

Then they proceeded to toss a red herring at us and let us mistakenly believe that Babe Carey-Chandler-Chandler had become a victim of this heinous killer (oh, would that it were). At this time, when Babe lay in a make-shift hospital bed in the basement of the Seasons Casino, because I understand many casino basements are quite sterile, the much-beloved town lesbian Bianca Montgomery comes to a realization. You know, she thinks, it wasn’t all that bad that Babe took my child and raised her for 9+ months, letting me think my baby was dead and that this incredible bond I had with Babe’s child was just one of those things. (Babe actually thought the way to make this all better, without revealing the fact that Baby Chandler was actually Miranda, was to make Bianca the Godmother to her own child. Yep, that’s good enough for me!) So she rushes to Babe’s side and forgives her. Forgives her for stealing her child! Are you kidding me?!? Too bad that while Bianca was there forgiving Babe for this slight indiscretion, she couldn’t have poked around in the corners of the basement and looked for the pod that contained the real Bianca, because the sane viewers who were still watching AMC at that time really missed her. (I could really get into the whole forgiving of Babe and not giving Maggie the time of day thing here, but that’s another story for another day)

Anyway, back to the Satin Slayer (which, I still can help but laugh whenever I say that… seriously, if you were a maniacal spree killer, wouldn’t you be furious if the press anointed you the Satin Slayer? “What?!?! They’re calling me the Satin Slayer?!? I sound like a weenie!!”). So, dead and buried (and cremated) Alex Cambias, Sr., comes back from the dead and buried (and cremated) to exact his revenge on Alex Cambias, Jr. (aka Zach Slater), for faking his death, lo, those many years ago… Alex, Senior, thinks Ryan Lavery is more of a man than Alex, Junior, and is literally a god in human form (and, apparently, so did Megan McTavish, because she shoved this information down our throats on a repeated basis), so to get back at his son, he started killing random women… Yeah, I think he had a shot at that insanity defense even before he got gunned down. You know what, Senior? You love Ryan so d*mn much, why don’t you marry him?

While the entire town is on the hunt for the Satin Slayer (*giggle*), resident Transgender Rock Star Zarf/Zoe goes to the cemetery to visit Babe’s grave (Zarf/Zoe hasn’t been let in on the secret that Babe’s still alive and kicking over in the Seasons basement) and gets beaten to a literal pulp by, presumably, the Satin Slayer (*snicker*). During said beating, Zarf/Zoe looks up at his/her attacker and says “You!” as if he/she knows who is delivering such a vicious beating. Well, the interesting thing here is, Zarf/Zoe didn’t know who Alex Cambias, Sr., is or was. So how did he/she recognize that it was Alex Cambias, Sr., laying such a beat-down on him/her?

Really… WTF?

This storyline was riddled with holes and implausible moments. I mean, okay, I get coming back from the dead, a favorite plot device for bringing back beloved characters and the actors who portray them, but most of these haven’t been cremated! And Alex Cambias, Sr., wasn’t on the AMC canvas in recent months- or years, if you want to really pick nits- let alone a beloved character. Let’s face it, other than to explain what Ryan had been doing while gone from Pine Valley and siring both evil Michael Cambias and gorgeous Zach Slater, what importance did Alex Cambias, Sr., himself ever add to AMC? (well, other than Ryan’s God-complex and Miranda’s inheritance)

And when Alex, Sr., was on AMC, he was a benevolent man who was mortified by son Michael’s actions and regretted until his dying breath what Michael had done to Bianca, Erica and the entire town of Pine Valley. So, now he comes back to terrorize the very same city? Because his other son, who never even lived there until a couple years ago, pretended to be dead? Just… out of the blue (and after years of being dead) he’s become a murdering sociopath?

Really?

WTF?

I can just imagine what happened in the warroom when this storyline was introduced.

Headwriter: Okay, we’re going to do a serial killer storyline because I think it’s time.
Writer 1: Who are you killing off?
Headwriter: Oh, just a couple of dead weight characters.
Writer 2: Oh, okay.
Headwriter: Yeah… Oh, and the much beloved Dixie… and the beloved Simone… yeah, and Erin Lavery…
Writer 1: What?!
Writer 2: I think I’m going to call in sick the day you write that one.
Writer 1: Who’s the killer?
Headwriter: Well, I don’t want to waste any of my pets- er, anyone valuable on the show, so I’m going to bring back a character that no one will expect.
Writer 2: Why?
Headwriter: Because it’ll be a big surprise!
Writer 1: So, who is it? Oh, I know, Petey Cortland!
Headwriter: Nope.
Writer 2: Greenlee!
Headwriter: Oh, no, I’ve got plans for that character! BIG plans! Everyone will hate her when I’m finished with her!
Writer 1: So, who is it?
Writer 2: Yeah, who’s the killer?
Headwriter: They’re going to be called the Satin Slayer-
Writer 1: What? Are you kidding?
Writer 2: That’s the stupidest name ever!
Headwriter: Stop laughing!
Writer 2: Tell us, we promise to stop laughing.
Headwriter: It’s… Alex Cambias, Senior!
Writer 1: *blink* Who?
Writer 2: Wasn’t he cremated about 4 years ago?
Headwriter: Back from the dead!
Writer 2: Wait, he was cremated! You know, reduced to ashes and put in a little can?
Headwriter: Yeah, and Erica had an abortion once, but that changed, too, didn’t it? What’s your point?
Writer 1: WTF?

Yeah… Seriously… WTF?