Today’s WTF? moment on All My Children…

Earlier this week, Jake Martin was in the hands of Sudanese rebels in Darfur. Zach Slater sent Aidan Devane to rescue Jake Martin, since Aidan used to be MI-4 or 5 or one of those numbers in Her Majesty’s Secret Service before giving it all up to become a small town PI in Pine Valley, PA.

Tuesday of this week, Aidan and Jake were both captives, since Aidan’s a little rusty on the whole spy thing, it appears, and the rebels were on a satellite feed to Zach demanding 5 million bucks for their freedom. I know the rebels were serious because they told Zach more than once that if they did not get their money, then Jake and Aidan would die. They even made a point of telling Jake and Aidan that if they didn’t get the money, Jake and Aidan would die. They told anyone and everyone that if they didn’t get the money, Jake and Aidan would die.

In case you didn’t get the word, these Sudanese rebels who are holding Jake Martin and Aidan Devane captive are demanding 5 million dollars or Jake and Aidan will die.

Through the miracles of modern technology, these Rebels apparently have really good Wi-Fi and lightening fast DSL in the middle of nowhere and have been having face to face conversations with Zach (and Ryan, who apparently is now a trouble-shooter for Cambias, but that’s another story) way back in Pine Valley, where they made their demands for 5 million dollars or, say it with me, Jake and Aidan will die. Zach, of course, demanded to speak to his man Aidan, which, after threatening Zach with Jake and Aidan’s death a couple more times, the Rebel leader allowed to occur. At this point, Zach tells Aidan that they’re wiring the 5 million and the rebels will have it in approximately 30 minutes (30 minutes, emphasis added by ZS). Aidan gets the hint that Zach is throwing him and mere seconds later, the rebel camp is rocked with an explosion.

All hell has broken loose in both Darfur and Pine Valley. The feed has been lost and Geek Squad member Ryan is trying to re-establish contact. Tad has arrived to find out if Zach has heard from Aidan (um, yeah, Tad, he’s going to die unless these Sudanese rebels get 5 million dollars), Greenlee is freaking out because she’s already lost Leo and Ryan (kind of, if anyone remembers Ryan’s motorcycle jump off a cliff) so she’s in a serious state of denial.

As Tad rips into Zach and Kendall about sending Aidan to rescue Jake, there’s a lot of accusations being made about why Zach sent Aidan (the whole Kaidan sex while Zachlee was stuck in a hole thing, which I don’t understand how Greenlee didn’t hear them talking about this, since she was probably less than 15 feet away and Tad wasn’t trying to keep his voice down, but I digress), and Tad stormed out, snapping that he had to go tell his parents that their son was dead. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t he have waited a few more minutes before leaping off the Cliff of Conclusions? (especially knowing it literally was only a few more minutes before baby brother landed back in the Valley of the Pine)

For some reason, though, Tad storms off to the Comeback Bar instead of Pine Valley Hospital where his father, the chief of staff, and mother, a head nurse, are gainfully employed. While at the Comeback, Angie, who is there with her newly back-from-the-dead husband Jesse and their son and her daughter, gets a page to get the PVH stat for an emergency.

Ryan gets the feed back from the Rebel camp. Apparently, someone accidentally unplugged the cable, but quickly got it plugged back in… The smoke is clearing after the explosion and gunfire. Greenlee sees something… It’s the watch she gave Aidan, which I think Aidan was using to free himself and Jake. She’s despondent now…

Angie gets to PVH for the emergency and goes to see the new patient who has just been brought in… it’s Jake… It’s Jake!!! It’s Jake?

Back at Zach’s office, Greenlee is leaning on Kendall’s shoulder, telling her about the first time she told Aidan “I love you”. Kendall asks Greenlee what Aidan said and they hear the answer coming from behind them…from Aidan!

So Jake and Aidan are already back at Pine Valley? When they were just being held captive in Darfur? Africa? And they’re back in Pennsylvania? Right after the explosion at the camp where they were being held captive? In Darfur? Already?

Um… WTF?

So… is Cambias Industries working on a transporter? And, apparently, they have enough Dilithium Crystals to beam Jake (and Aidan) back from Darfur to PVH in his injured condition that quickly? You’d think with a transporter like that, Binks would visit home more often. Scottie could beam her over for a few minutes each day… She’d be able to visit Momma Kane in the Big House…

Or does Pennsylvania border Darfur? I mean, since apparently everything else in the world is close to Pine Valley… like the ocean, the mountains and the beach… All within driving distance… heck, walking distance!

I realize there’s a suspension of disbelief inherent in all soap operas, but this is ridiculous. We’re supposed to believe that Zach’s men not only got Aidan and Jake out of a rebel camp on the other side of the world, but they got them back to Pine Valley before Zach, Ryan and the gang even finished their “business” over the Internet with the rebels who were demanding a ransom? Amidst rebel violence in a country that has real problems with American’s? And that from the time it took Tad to arrive at Cambias, tell Zendall off, leave and arrive back at the Comeback, thinking his brother was dead, his brother was arriving at Pine Valley Hospital? Already ensconced in a hospital bed?!?!

We’re talking a 30 minute timeframe, here, people!!! Zach told Aidan the 5 million dollar ransom (or Jake and Aidan would die) would be delivered in the next 30 minutes. Seconds after that statement was made, there was an explosion and the feed was lost, then gunfire… then some fumbling, some soul-searching, some confrontation… then… Jake and Aidan are BACK IN PINE VALLEY!!!

Wow… I mean, seriously… wow… that’s just bad. Bad storytelling, bad plotting, bad writing, bad, bad, bad…

Just… WOW

And where the hell is Jamie? Wasn’t he with his Uncle Jake earlier this year? Did he get bored with medicine or did he meet some chick with the Peace Corps and follow her back to her homeland? Which, with Jamie’s luck, was probably Sweden…

Lt. O’Binka ready for transport…


*special thanks to Donna Pool for the wonderful image of Bianca as a Star Trek communications officer*

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